The last weekend of summer was a mild one for us. We visited family, hung out at home, and had an easy few days gearing up to the start of a new schedule at this house. Big day in this house tomorrow- our little girl is starting kindergarten!
She's got her first-day-of-school-outfit laid out on at the foot of her bed, her backpack waiting innocently by the door, and despite the nerves that surfaced for a bit at bedtime last night, she is more than ready to go. And suddenly, I'm not quite so ready to see her go! How is it possible we've already come to this day?! I will hold it together, I will hold it together, I will hold it together... But I'm not making any guarantees as to what happens after that bus drives away tomorrow- just so we're completely clear on that.
While the days have dwindled down leading up to this special moment in her life, I've wanted to just slow things down a bit. I know how excited she is- and trust me I'm right there excited with her- but hello! she's growing up too fast! I do not say this because it's a cliche- but becuase I'm wondering with sincerity- where did those years go? I have the grounding realization once again how fast children grow, how quick time passes.
As she's counted down the days, I've ticked through the questions surfacing in my mind: Did I do a good enough job? Did I teach her all she needs to know up to this point? Is she going to be okay? There is no doubt in my mind- I will continue to ask these questions over and over again as the years go by. It's part of being a mom, I am sure of that. And while I keep reminding myself this is only half-day kindergarten and not college three states away- my heart doesn't know the difference.
Yesterday afternoon Lydia and I went out for a few hours to get some school things for her. Ryan suggested I take her out for lunch and so her and I did just that. Because I've never gone out to eat with just her, I found myself pleasantly surprised when she slid into the booth right up next to me rather than occupying the opposite side. There was so much to appreciate in that moment.
She's ready. She's more than ready. And I will be too, I know I will. But right now, before everything changes and life moves forward into an entirely new direction- right now while the house is silent and everyone sleeps- I'm letting my heart have the quiet (and, yes, tearful) moment it needs. And then when tomorrow comes I'll be as brave as I know she's going to be.
But for now: that polka-dot backpack parked by the door? Well, it's going to make me go through an entire box of Kleenex, I'm telling you.