Crochet much?

So, I had this naive vision that I could go to Wal-Mart, pick up a crochet hook, come home and type "Learn to crochet" into youtube and within minutes I'd be whipping my way through a hat.

Well. Apparently my hands are all set up to knit and when I put just one needle, uh, excuse me- hook- in my hand I'm all lost. My left hand doesn't know how to hold the yarn- my right hand wants to keep taking over, and therefore I am incapable of keeping any tension on the yarn so by the time I get to the end of the row I've got holes and gaps and crookedy loops going every single direction.

For a quiet hobby that's supposed to be rhythmic and relaxing, I'm doing an awful lot of grumbling and complaining under my breath as I once again tear out the row I've just completed only to try. one. more. time. Because I'm as stubborn as they come. And I want to get this. But oh, it's frustrating.

At this point, I would like to take a moment to negotiate the cruel falsities crocheters (is that a word?) led me to believe throughout the years.

Myth #1: Crocheting is easier than knitting. Uh-huh. Sure it is. If you've never knitted before it's easy to say anything.

Myth #2: Using one hook is so much easier to control than two needles. Well, the concept is nice but when you've learned to knit first there's something so unnatural about dropping a needle.

Myth #3: Crocheting is quicker than knitting. Just for the record I've been sitting here for nearly four hours (yep, four) and the best I have to show is two rows of approximately seven stitches- and ooooh, it's so not pretty. I can't count how many times I've torn back my work. Can't seem to get passed that second row.

So there you have it. It's five after eleven and I'm beat. I hate to admit defeat, but I think for tonight it's time to set aside the crochet hook and the ball of yarn and call it a night before I get vicious. Phooey.